Twists of Fate

Today is one of those days where depression feels like it’s about to swamp my little boat, and half of me wouldn’t mind giving up the fight to stay afloat. The rest of me just grimly keeps bailing, hoping to see dry land or a job or a real reason to keep living besides sheer cursed stubborness.

Not a good day. Perhaps working on a pair of socks that’ll be a birthday present will help. And, perhaps, continuing to carpet bomb local agencies with my resume in the hopes that I’ll be able to pay rent sometime this month, and buy groceries in the coming week.

If you’re local, I may be selling a couple more wheels in an effort to stay afloat a little while longer. Watch this space for what will likely be some seriously good deals.

…ushered in by millions of sighs of relief, exhaled simultaneously. Possibly billions, given the world’s attention on the US elections.

Congratulations to President-Elect Obama! May the energy of the campaign carry over into the first year of your term, and beyond.

PS - can I french kiss your speechwriter? And their staff? Because they are full of awesome.

There are leaves that are bigger than the stray cats I feed regularly drifting by my window on the breeze. About forty feet from my window, my “yard” drops off into a ravine, but there’s a space between the trees where you can see this nice open spot, and watching the leaves drift down into that spot and then into the ravine is like something from a movie. Or possibly a fall themed screen saver.

It’s ridiculously idyllic on this first day of November.

I should eat something - I woke up at 6:15am (no shit) and haven’t been able to sleep since. The sweet stray is curled up in her bed of straw (that I hope is still dry) and didn’t bother coming out for pettins when I got home from the store. I worry about her a little, and after a long struggle with my heart, my conscience won out. I’ve asked Bast for her input every night before I go to sleep, and my dreams have been filled with her chasing The Big Red Dot up and down stairs, curled into a basket in a spot of sun near a window, and even looking sheepish as she emerges from a litterbox. I think I get the point, and while it makes me sad, I know it’ll be better for everyone in the long run. I can’t give her those things, unfortunately.

So, next weekend she’ll be going to the vet, and then on to what I hope will be her forever home at my friend’s house. I think the security of having a consistently warm, dry place to live with a human who can give her all the love she so very obviously needs but who can also spend more than about five minutes with her before said human’s lungs start filling up with fluid due to allergies will offset whatever good times she’s had beaning around outside. There’s no way I could get allergy treatments effective and swift enough to bring her into my home before it starts getting really wet and cold out. I just hope she can make it until my friend is able to get her to the vet, possibly as early as Friday but definitely Saturday next week. There are little shelters outside (see a previous post about them), but she hasn’t taken advantage of them yet. In the meanwhile, I’ll continue feeding good food (she really likes the Iams) with a supplement of kitten chow, and liberal applications of pettins and pounces. I’ll even be sleeping in the same shirt every night so there’ll be something with my scent on it when she goes to her new home.

Once I get a job I’ll pay for half her checkup at the vet. And I get lifetime visiting rights, which soothes the part of me that really, really needs that kind of unconditional love. Maybe I can make friends with the feral mew who continues to visit, and who I think may appreciate not having competition for the noms outside once the sweet abandoned kitty has gone to her new home.

Anyway, I found a new tea - Hot Apple Cider Tea - at the store and I’m currently debating whether to make some of that or another pot of coffee. I’m leaning toward tea right now, given the show outside. I think I’ll go put the water on and ponder whether the kitties ever wish or dream that they could hop on those giant leaves and surf the breeze, gliding away to new adventures. Filled with Pounces.

The Veil between the worlds is thin, and thank the gods the time has come to take a step back and evaluate the past year, and plan for the coming one.

This past year was a very stressful one for me. Work just completely spiraled out of control beginning in mid-October 2007. I don’t really even remember October-March…I was working like 60 hours a week, and even with a short getaway to Orcas Island to stay in a ridiculously beautiful and amazing rental cottage, I was burned out by the time my team launched these online campaigns for three huge products at the end of February. I was acting in a supervisory/management capacity even if it wasn’t in my SOW, was working with a total DICK of a vendor who was brought in by the ultimate client to “clean up the mess” her coworker (who she eventually had transferred to a different job by being a total bitch) made, and generally life blow big fat chunks until about the end of March. At that point, I was able to work only about 45 hours a week, as the new folks were a bit more up to speed, asshole!vendor was busy doing his documentation (after I spent nearly 35 hours a week for four months refining everything with him) and I could try to relax a little. At which point I was told, “It’s like you’ve just stopped working.” Buh? Things are finally clicking along and you think I stopped working? This woman was the worst manager I’ve ever run across.

So I said “fuck all y’all” and got out as soon as I could. Which, unfortunately, wasn’t until mid-June, as finding my replacement took forever and a day. Only the last of three potential replacements had the moxie to keep it running, and I pity her for stepping into that role. I was sad too, because they finally replaced the asshole with a truly lovely FTE that I wish I had had more time to work closely with. She was no nonsense, totally understood my job and the fact that I’d kept the whole freakin’ machine going for sixteen months with little to no help, and she even gave me four days off right before I left.

I think I pretty much slept until the end of July. Complete and total burnout to a level I’ve not experienced before and hope to never live through again. I finally began being more aware of life in August, and began looking for a new job with an eye to start right after Labor Day. HAHAHAHAHA! I am funny person, apparently, because it’s only TODAY that I have an interview for a new position with a client.

This job is about 5000x less responsibility, stress and doods. There’s apparently this whole thing that I haven’t done for two years now that’s all the rage among kids these days. I think they call it a “lunch hour”? And something called “a 40 hour work week”?

Whoa. Innovation happens when you’re not looking, doesn’t it?

In all seriousness though, it’s a couple of steps back in my career, but I would be happy to land the job. Because my life has been so far out of balance for so long, I’ve burnt out the TILT light that was warning me of serious consequences. This job is something steady, where I can find my feet again and perhaps take some classes or have the time to get some certifications…that sounds like the path to take at this time.

One of the things I hope to do in the dark time of this year is to try to find that balance again. Yes, work might be a bit boring, but on the other hand, I might actually have the energy to see friends. Do some crafting! Read more books! Enjoy time spent with other people instead of resenting it because I’m so exhausted all I want to do is sleep! To think about more than the job, to have my last thoughts before I fall asleep be something other than spreadsheets, flow charts or wire frames and instead be filled with hope or dreams of romance, or love, or laughter and joy. To wake up feeling positive, instead of like I’ve been run over by a truck which was followed by a steamroller and then some sort of street sweeper that was spraying acid instead of water.

Another thing that’s been sorely lacking has been concentrating on my spiritual side. No ritual, other than some small offerings on the Sabbats. Esbats? What are those? Tarot? I don’t even know where I put all my decks. Astrology? I’ve got a stack of about thirty books that are awaiting my attention.

One other intriguing thing that a couple teachers have mentioned to me is the idea that I’ve got a very, very, VERY thin barrier holding back a talent for working with the dead. The last teacher was gobsmacked by the energy I can raise when I put my mind to it. But I haven’t done anything with these potential gifts, and I think I’d like to spend the next year or so learning more about them.

It’s that time of the year again. The veil is thin, the year is ending, the new one to begin again soon and with the rebirth is a whole new realm of possibility is open for exploration. It’s time to honor not just the dead (I still miss you Jayne and Bill), but to lay to rest those things which no longer serve me, to rest and make room for the coming of the light and new growth in a few months.

The wheel continues to turn. This year, I hope to truly make a new start and the best of the time and gifts I’ve been given.

Blessed be!

I made the mistake of overdoing it a bit this weekend. I’ve been feeling pretty run down, mostly due to stress about employment and if I could get more than about three hours of sleep a night I’d be so, so happy. But no. I went and ran around with a friend on Saturday, and had coffee. Sunday I went and spent an hour outside w/out a coat on at the Ballard Farmers Market (got some good nums, by the by, so I don’t have to go the the store until I run out of creamer), but then.

Then I went over to my friend’s house, who has a sweet sweet cat named Clover. And stayed for two and a half hours.

And my lungs are SO NOT HAPPY with me right now. When I cough things taste metallic, I have a scary wheeze going when I breathe, and my nose hasn’t stopped running for nearly eighteen hours now. I’ve gone through an entire big box of Kleenex and have started on the second, making a good dent in that one too. I’m going to look like Rudolph if I do manage to have an interview this week. Or at least some scary flaking peeling nose-monster. Great way to make an impression!

I need to ship the electric spinning wheel ASAP, but even moving around to get dressed to go take the wheel for shipping prompted a round of coughing that had me doubled over and my ribs aching. I think not today. I feel awful about not getting this out when I said I would, but I hope the buyer understands. I’ve tucked a bit of fiber in the box to try and help make up for it, but I still feel like an ass.

For now, I’m going to go try to find yet another dose of Claritin (this stuff is swimming in my bloodstream and yet nothing is stopping the nose running!), and maybe make some tea to soothe my throat. It feels like I’ve been trying to swallow glass shards or something…good times! :P

If I can stay awake long enough, I’ll start an alligator scarf for my nephew today. Keep your fingers crossed for me?

Sadly, sans pictures, because not only am I a lazy ass when taking pictures of my knitting, I can’t even find the damn camera. Oops. I really hope it’s over in the studio. I will check tomorrow for sure. There may even be pictures fairly soon, as I got the little “picture studio in a box” kit a while ago, and it might be a good idea to bust that thing out and get some pictures taken. The idea of wrestling with the light box tent thing with the backgrounds and all that crap put me right off, but maybe. I’m not promising anything.

Thing is, I’m not sure it’s worth busting out all that crap for the few FOs I’ve got. I finished a pair of socks for my sister, who, after having a baby, understands what goes into making something really well. I’m not sure if it’s a result of growing another human being, or if the concept of actual patience and sacrifice has been rammed home by projectile vomiting or buried under a pile of poopy diapers. Whatever the reason, she’s FAR more appreciative of knitting and of items that she receives that are made by my own very two hands (and the occasional toe). Anyway, socks for her. Dream in Color SMOOSHY (I have to say it in caps…I even do this in real life by hollering “and it will be MY SMOOSHY! at random intervals while knitting with the yarn) in some kind of purpley black lavender tweedy goodness. Lovely yarn. A wee smidge splitty occasionally, but that’s probably because I would often knit on it when tired.

See, as much as I love the look of fancy schmancy socks? If I’m going to knit garments on super tiny needles at this point in my life, they’re going to be incredibly fucking simple. They’re my zoning project. They’re rounds and rounds and more rounds with a side of rounds of stockinette with a bit of round of stockinette for a chaser, and maybe for dessert too. And I’m OK with that. It’s rather nice to watch simple socks with a smidge of ribbing come to life under my hands. I can knit and not think, and listen to, oh, a podcast while making something that’ll warm not just the toes but the heart of the recipient.

Anyway. For ME, because as a general rule from here on out, I think I’m going to do a thing where I finish one thing for one person, and make something for myself. Because I’ve given away pretty much everything I’ve ever made but for a pair of socks from Mountain Colors Bearfoot, and maybe a hat or a scarf. And that’s gotta change. I need to learn to knit for myself. So, because it’s ass freezing cold in this lowest-level apartment I have, even if a lot of it is garden level…I thought a pair of mitts would be a good idea. Enter a skein of STR Mediumweight in…Lapis? The ball bands for all this crap is over in the studio. Which requires going out the door, up the stairs, around the house, down the stairs, through two locked doors and wading through a few bags of processed fleece. Which I’m not going to do right now. Not in the least because the landlady hasn’t gotten the damn outdoor light fixed, there’s no handrail on the other stairs, and there’s little heat because apparently the landlady can survive arctic temps in a tanktop. So there.

Where the bloody hell was I? Oh! Mitts. STR. Maybe lapis. Pattern is Jacoby from Berocco, a freebie. Made because I have an unreasonable crush on Jacoby Ellsbury, and he was actually kicking some ass and making some hits when I started them during the wildcard series against the Angels. They mostly fit…one of the thumbs is a bit tight, but it fits better on my left hand than my right. I did a better job of making sure that the thumb was looser on the second mitt, and…boy howdy is the yarn stinky. I wash tomorrow, I think.

One other thing to wash will be a pumpkin hat I just finished for my niece. Done in Blue Sky cotton, it’s mostly a stockinette beanie with a teeny stem on the top. I made the stem brown, mostly because the LYS didn’t have a green cotton that worked, but I have to admit it’s kind of cute. I barely used any of the brown, so I’ll have to maybe do a brown hat with a small orange leaf motif or something for the niece as well. That could work up to Thanksgiving this year. Hmmm!

Must. Find. Complete set of Size 8 US DPNs though. Knitting with a mix of bamboo and Inox was weird. Kind of uncomfortable.

Last but not least - I have a real live interview scheduled for 2pm today. Wish me luck? If I make it past this round, I should be good to meet with the CompanyX boss and it sounds like she’ll take anyone recced by this particular vendor, so…I think today is the key one. *crosses everything*

I’m participating in the Spin for Peace group on Ravelry for the duration of the Beijing 2008 Summer Olympics. Instead of watching the games, I’m going to spend that time in mindful meditation at my wheel.

I am posting a few links tonight as a reminder that while China has made some steps towards improving their human rights record (and yes, I realize how hypocritical it is for a US citizen to be saying this, given the actions of our government, especially since 9/11), they have not done enough.

None of us are free until ALL of us are free.

A couple of links for you. International Campaign for Tibet and Bev’s post, with a great link to Pippi Knee Socks’ Free Tibet yarn.

I wanted to dye up some fiber in the orangey-red color I see so many Buddhist monks wear, or the darker reddish version I’ve seen the nuns wear, but it seemed disrespectful. Instead I’m spinning some Shetland wool roving I got in a sampler pack, and I hope time will allow me to make something out of it that I can then auction or raffle, with the proceeds going to an organization dedicated to helping Tibetan refugees living in India.

I am one voice, but I will add mine to the chorus protesting China’s treatment of the Tibetan people, and call for an end to the occupation of Tibet.